Saturday Funnies

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
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I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
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My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
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After both suffering from depression for awhile, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on...!"
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I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face-down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
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Bought the missus a hamster-skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
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The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
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I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.