Friday Funnies On Tuesday

I went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting. Whew... I knew I made it home OK!

My wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part

After both suffering from depression for a while, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, I'm good", and opened a beer…

I woke up this morning at 8, and could felt something was wrong. I got downstairs and found my wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered, McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30...

I bought my wife a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the carnival last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel...

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My wife packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

From the wild minds at PIG...