Friday, July 5, 2013

Friday Funnies, On Friday!

If Men Ruled The World

1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

5. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

7. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

8. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

9. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

10. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alack answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

11. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

12. Garbage would take itself out.


Vladimir Putin said...

Talking to a woman is like shearing a piglet,
Too much squealing and not enough wool.

Anonymous said...

Obviously, your wife doesn't get to see your posts.

Spider said...

If Men Ruled The World - Part 2

13. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

14. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

15. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

17. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

18. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

19. COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

20. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

21. The candle shops in the mall would sell candles that smell like whiskey and beer.

22. Women would have to obtain a license before wearing spandex or short shorts (sorta like conceal carry laws).

23. Women suffering from PMS would be required to wear a burka.

24. Gun racks would be standard on all American cars.

25. There would be a device that automatically raised and lowered toilet seats.

26. 2013 Cloning Act: "Only Jessica Alba may be cloned."

The Ghost of Johnny Carson said...

Very funny stuff

Vlad The Impaler said...

Only when I get pissed at her NsnnerMouse.
Which in fact means yer she pretty much sees them all.

R U believing that?

Schteveo said...

Funny stuff.

Anonymous said...

R U believing that?

No, i'm not.

Spider said...


You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2.You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!


You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.


You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.


You can retire to the Deep South where....

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.


You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


You can retire to the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


Lastly, you can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Vlad wit der Shtinky Impaler said...

Mine vife ish divorce me for fucky fuck der young KGB PussyVost.

Mesa Snorphty said...

Dude, it's cooled down a bunch. My pool is all the way down to 95 now. Last week got a little warm here through, 3 days the TV said 119, but going around in my car I saw 124s all over the place. Down to 112 today so I brought a sweater along... just in case.

Shooter Pooter said...

Went and popped a hundred out of my carry gun. Price of ammo and lack of practice are telling. Wonder how many innocents are going to be hit due to lack of training maintenance. Not saying I wouldn't have gotten the job done but the difference between now and when I'm shooting competition is pretty huge.

Anonymous said...

You're just getting old!

Pooter Shooter Sr. said...

No Shit, ,#61 is coming next Saturday

Anonymous said...

Aww, you're just a kid.

Old Kid Poots said...

That's what my wife tells me. I act just like a kid. An irresponsible, party ass, over drinking Motherfucker asshole college age kid.

Can't imagine what she's talking about.

Old Arachnid said...


1936 Berlin Poots said...


ShnorphtWaffen said...

Ahhh Dat ish ShturmVommun

I tink

Schteveo said...

"The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail."

That's NOT just a Colorado , liberal thing my friend. Plenty of my old hippie / scooter tramp buddies sport that look, as do I! And you forgot a 'yondrer' too.

Back before I was married [I delivered frozen food, in a wagon pulled by two triceratops, just like on the Flintstones!} I stopped to ask for direction in a small town near the NC / VA border. The proprietor didn't know the place, but one of the old guys sitting around the card table, drinking a beer at 9:30 in the morning, said he did. So I got the directions.

Now being a semi-country boy, I knew about "in yonder", "over yonder" and "out yonder". So I ate a snack, filled the truck with diesel, cleaned the windows and checked my mirrors. I wanted a truck ready for a big trip and my belly full before I took off for, "...way OUT, PAST yonder..."!!