Monday, April 22, 2013

Friday Funnies


I know it's Monday. If you're Sheldon Cooper or such, don't read it....

 I decided to have my colonoscopy carried out while
visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are
allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
     As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my
     "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to
get an erection," the nurse told me.
    "I haven't got an erection," I replied.
    "No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco ....


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Were you able to sit afterwards?

Schteveo said...

Truth or Dare Time...I'll go with truth.

In 1977, I was in a HUGE wreck in my old Ford Falcon Van.

As I rounded the top of a hill on the Interstate, traffic was dead stopped for a wreck at the bottom of the hill. In a split second I decided to intentionally hit a bridge stanchion, to avoid hitting a station wagon [I told was NINETEEN Seventy-SEVEN!] full of kids. I remember the van tipping up on the front tires, I remember going OUT the windshield area, the glass was gone already, I remember being up side down when I hit the stanchion flat on my back. [they told me later if I hadn't hit FLAT, it would have broken my back, badly] I hooked my left foot on the steering wheel and that's what flipped me up flat. Sprained the snot outta my ankle.

I remember rolling down the interstate, and at every other flip, the VAN was over the top of me, 6' or 7' in the air and it was making a HELL of a beating and banging noise. Then, I remember NOT moving anymore and it was REALLY quiet. Except for this hissing noise...something was dripping on the exhaust manifold...or the side of the hot block...pssst...pssst...pssst. My back hurt like MFer and everything I ever heard said to lay still if you suspect you have a back injury. All I could think was that it WAS gasoline dripping on that engine, so the decision was, I can lay here and get BBQ'd, or I can get up and run and risk being paralyzed.

Let's get up and 'run' away from the van, and maybe paralyzed that beats the shit out of BBQ'd any day!

It didn't blow up, the radiator was dripping on the block. But my back was REALLY hurt. There were 'extra' EMT's at the bottom of the hill original wreck, so there were guys with me before I stopped running almost. I got off the road and got my left foot and calf up on the concrete gutter to prop the leg up, it was the only position that didn't hurt my back.

The EMT's ran up, did a cursory inspection, asked all the usual goof questions, I answered, they called to another crew to bring a back board and a cootie collar that they applied. Put me in an ambulance and we were off to the hospital, total time 4 minutes TOPS.

New EMT crew went through all the goofy questions again. The guy in the back took my BP, looked at the numbers, took it again...took off the cuff, opened another one, took it twice more...looked at me and asked is my BP usually LOW. I told him no, WHY was he asking? He said he just took my BP four times and I just bounced down the interstate at 60 MPH, and my BP was 120 / 77.

"Sir...that's a normal BP and your not evidently upset by having a wreck like that!?!"

"...well why the fuck should my BP be HIGH!? I just bounced down the interstate at 60 MPH, and WALKED the fuck away from it...we ALL know I might be paralyzed later, but right FUCKING now I fucking ALIVE!!!!"

[whatta dickhead, I guess I was screwing up his numbers?]

[continued below]

Schteveo said...

[Part Two]

I got to the ER, they left me tied to the back board to immobilize my spine. This was 1977, so they took a TON of old school x-rays, my back was bruised badly, very little swelling and they untied me from the backboard. As they moved me onto a gurney, the lead ER nurse did the standard med lift for central position, by a patients hip.

She took my right elbow in her left hand, put her right hand inside the right side of my thigh, lifted and the 5 of them moved me keeping my back flat.

As I said, it was 1977, it was Spring, I was just out driving running errands, I had on a t-shirt an jeans, socks and boots. And I used to go commando back then. So she stuck her WARM hand, right inside of my ripped jeans, WARM hand lightly touching Little Schteveo right on his little head!

I had an IMMEDIATE reaction, Little Schteveo wanted to see who was touching him and he started to pop up and look around. The nurse never looked at me, but told the ER records nurse,
"...note that at 18:37, patients moved 'extremities', so we note zero paralysis at this time..."
Little Schteveo took the hint and went RIGHT back to sleep!


And BTW, anyone who goes to SF for a 'tail pipe' test like that deserves what they get! It's SAN FRANCISCO, it's tail pipe heaven for 'those people', they flock up there FOR tail pipe action!!

What part of SF didn't that guy understand!??

GI Poots said...

So we can surmise that by 18:40, the colonoscopy began.

And better a colonoscopy, than a colonectomy.

Schteveo said...

No, no tests after that.

But they DID leave me alone, on the gurney, in the basement Aux. E/R for about 3 hours after they closed up and turned off the lights. I was 'found' by a janitor who was actually headed home. He said if he hadn't found me I could have been there several days!

That was a hell of a night for sure!

Sheldon Plankton said...

Plenty of time to "function check" Lil Shtever.

Ben Ghazi said...

Glad you're all forgettin 'bout me

Cunf Likker Hilly Anti US Lying KUUUNTT said...

Not me

Iz Beez Wurried

Hillary's Asshole said...

What's that bad smell?

Hillary's Asshole said...

It's coming from up front

Hillary's Gash said...

So then Hillary's Asshole let's rip a huge fart.
And from way up front you could hear Hillary's
Mung Fatche infected Clit say " thanks a bunch
Asshole, keep that fresh air coming".

Hilleries Knees said...

Oh man wud id dat? Et looks like green oatmeal leaking out sum toothless Muthafukkas mouth? I don't know but I think I just saw one of Janet Napalitanos GLBT earrings float by. O fuck man here it comes!.


Fred E. Funay said...

Gud ting amaro iz friddy agin

Hillary's Thigh Beard said...

Why? Is that when Hillary gets her formaldehyde douche. Hope so, then we can ALL breathe easier.

Ed Ward Teller said...

Nothing short of an "H" bomb would have a chance of quelling that

Anonymous said...


One guy says to his buddy: What is a dilemma?

The buddy replied: well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that. Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful young woman on one side and a gay man on the other. All of you are naked. Who are you going to turn your back on?

Barney Frank said...

Maybe that's a dilemma for YOU.

Hillary's Clit said...

yea, weeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllll,

Blowme, Homey

Anonymous said...

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English Princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a Canadian, using American Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.

That, my friends, is Globalization!

Ass Capper said...

So, you're saying we shouldn't kill every last fucking Muslim?