Monday, April 29, 2013

Headlines From The Year 2059

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and FloriDUH.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, They had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

FloriDUH voters still having trouble with voting machines.


The Ghost of Johnny Carson said...

Very Funny Stuff

Numba Won Red Wing said...


Anonymous said...

Does that say EAT ME?

EAT ME said...

No, only POOTS can say


Same Ting said...

Sum ting wong

Poon Ting Poot said...

Man may eat a pussy

But in the end, the Pussy eat the man.

Anonymous said...

Ain't that the truth.

Po Sun Tzu Poot said...

And his wallet

Spider said...

Here's a headline you'll probably see in 2059. In fact, i think you'll see it a whole lot sooner;


My name is Joe Stalin and I approve this message said...

That started the minute the first Muslim was inaugurated.

Did you all see at the correspondents dinner where he joked he " wasn't the strapping young Muslim socialist he used to be". Fucker even lied then. Cocksucker is a Muslim MARXIST. He's left "socialism" back in Kenya.

BOW said...

He didn't lie...this time. He's a more seasoned and older radical muslim commie