Friday Funnies, On Sunday

A Blond's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ... Helllloooo!! ... bottles won't fit in printer!!

March
Got really excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ... box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid ... wrong instructions ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!

June
Tried to go waterskiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition ... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August
Got locked out of her car in rain storm ... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C' ... isn't it?

October
Hate M & M's ... they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh' ... there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.  She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
'My stupid computer keeps saying... YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

Goor Advice from Wall Street...no, Seriously!

Wall Street advisor recommends guns, ammo for protection in collapse,

 

A top financial advisor, worried that Obamacare, the NSA spying scandal and spiraling national debt is increasing the chances for a fiscal and social disaster, is recommending that Americans prepare a “bug-out bag” that includes food, a gun and ammo to help them stay alive.

David John Marotta, a Wall Street expert and financial advisor and Forbes contributor, said in a note to investors, “Firearms are the last item on the list, but they are on the list. There are some terrible people in this world. And you are safer when your trusted neighbors have firearms.”

In his latest note, he said that Americans should have a survival kit to take in case of a financial or natural disaster. It should be filled with items that will help them stay alive for the first 72-hours of a crisis, including firearms.

“A bug-out bag is a good idea depending on where you live even if the emergency is just power outages, earthquakes and hurricanes. And with your preparedness you will be equipped to help others who might be in need,” he wrote. “Be prepared. Especially because it keeps you from being scared.”

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Finally, advice I can agree with, or get ahead of in fact.  I just wish I'd bought ALL the guns and ALL the ammo I wanted two or three years ago.  I would have sold off stuff at a good profit AND still had plenty for myself.

Oh well, a day late and a dollar short as Pop used to say! 

Joining the Target Christmas party

Well, as I am sure that you all know, some 40 million credit card numbers were misplaced by the renowned Target (pronounced Tar - zhay) Company.

On this glorious Christmas Eve, someone in Chicago, of all places, is using my wife's debit card at Target believe it or not.  My bank, not BoA, Morgan Chase, Citigroup, Wells Fargo, Bancorp, HSBC, or Capital One, (notice I listed the 7 biggest banks in America) a place in which I have never set foot inside a branch in my life, called and asked....we have seen charges in the town where you live today, but suddenly this charge shows up in Illinois.  Is one of your kids or your wife there?

No.

ok, well we are going to put a hold on your account, do you need to do any more shopping today?

Yes.

Will you be making any online purchase or any purchases outside of your city of residence.

No.

Ok, we will approve all charges where you live, but deny all else and refund the charge that is already made.

thank you.

Have a Merry Christmas Mr. alan

You too.

I love my bank!!!  Now I just hope that the SOB that is using my wife's card to fund their Christmas tries it one more time.  I get the feeling that Target is not happy about it and will probably press charges.  At least I hope they do.

And Merry Christmas to all of you my friends.  I hope each of you gets all of the ammo and other supplies that Santa was asked for.

merry xmas


1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, 
You may be a Muslim. 

2. If you own a £3,000 machine gun and £5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim. 

3. If you have more wives than teeth, 
You may be a Muslim. 

4. If you wipe your bum with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be unclean, 
You may be a Muslim. 

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide. 
You may be a Muslim 

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against, 
You may be a Muslim. 

7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, 
You may be a Muslim. 

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, 
You may be a Muslim. 

10. If you find this offensive or racist and don't forward it, 
You may be a Muslim.

The Irony of the Evolution of Society

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2013/12/23/judge-denies-request-to-halt-same-sex-marriages-in-utah/

Here is just one of several articles on the forced acceptance of homosexual marriage by a federally appointed...not elected....judge.

It is ironic that the 3rd amendment to the Utah State Constitution, which defines marriage as being between a man and a woman, has been declared unconstitutional.

What is ironic about it you ask?   Well , the fact that in 1898 the state of Utah was forced to included in its constitution, in order to become a state, that it only recognized the "traditional definition of marriage"

So, over the course of 115 years a group of people have been forced by politicians to abandon a portion of their religious freedom (good bye 1st amendment) and forced to accept what they consider to be a sinful act (goodbye  9th & 10th amendments).

Just out of curiosity, I wonder if it is that same "group" that has done both?  It isn't so much about condoning a particular lifestyle as it is about forcing others to abandon theirs.

A Simple Christmas Love Story

A couple was Christmas shopping.

The shopping center was packed - as the wife walked through the mall she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

She became so worried that she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes...  yes I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the mall pub right next door to it."

I love that guy!! 

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Schteveo

John Beale, Hero or Villian?

A top executive from the Environmental Protection Agency is likely heading to prison after defrauding the federal government out of nearly $1 million.  He concocted the truly bizarre and elaborate scheme to avoid doing his job while still raking in a generous salary.

The EPA’s highest paid former employee, John Beale, will be sentenced in a federal court on Wednesday after spending more than ten years taking months off work to do “intelligence work for the CIA in Pakistan,” when he was actually kicking back, reading, riding his bike and relaxing at his vacation home in Cape Cod, NBC News first reported.

Beale, who served as a senior policy adviser in the agency’s Office of Air and Radiation, pled guilty in September to defrauding the federal government out of nearly $900,000 since 2000. Beale retired from his post in April after learning that he was the subject of a federal investigating for defrauding the government by ditching work for months at a time, while still collecting his $200,000 salary (more than EPA administrator Gina McCarthy, his immediate boss.)

I'll admit that what he did was wrong.. I think he SHOULD have lost his job.  But jail time and pay the money BACK?!  No WAY, his IDIOT bosses should be on the hook for THAT!!

Anyone who is the 'supervisor ' of people making $200K or more a year, SHOULD be smart enough to pick up the PHONE, and do some calling and asking about their employees being 'spies'!

And last but NOT least. how scary is it, that someone supervising people at that level, on YOUR tax dollars, WASN'T smart enough to make some inquiries?  I couldn't care less if this was in private industry, but WE paid both their salaries out of the OVER taxation of OUR salaries!
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A Pissed Off but  Schteveo

Have We Been Had, Again?

Was the 9/11 attack on America an act of terrorism, or an act of war by a nation state?

On 9-11-01, America was attacked on it's home turf. In terms of lives lost, it was an attack even more devastating than Pearl Harbor. But the attack on Pearl Harbor made us rise up and go to war. The attack on the WTC only made us go back to sleep. 

For generations, there has been plenty of evidence to show that the socialist FDR, and top members of his administration, (knew) the attack was coming but did nothing to stop it, since it was the fastest way to get the US involved in what was to become WWII. At the time, the American people were (rabidly) against getting involved in Europe's war. Did FDR, in order to keep a promise he made to Churchill, see a perfect opportunity, and take it?

Did the US govt. (know) 9/11 was going to happen, or, were there so many stupid and incompetent people in charge that they never saw it coming. Or, were 3000+ Americans murdered simply because our govt. was afraid to upset the price of oil?

Have we been had again?


http://nypost.com/2013/12/15/inside-the-saudi-911-coverup/

This is NOT good news, IMNSHO...

In 1969 we landed two men on the moon.  Over the next 3 years, 4 months and 3 weeks, 10 more Americans would do so.  Then, in typical American style, we got bored and then complacent and finally we completely pissed away the ability to even go to the moon.

But all is not lost!!  The Chinese made a soft landing on the Moon this morning, with a robot rover.  How could that EVER be a bad thing, right?!?!!

China on Saturday successfully carried out the world's first soft landing of a space probe on the moon in nearly four decades, state media said, the next stage in an ambitious space program that aims to eventually put a Chinese astronaut on the moon.

The unmanned Chang'e 3 lander, named after a mythical Chinese goddess of the moon, touched down on Earth's nearest neighbor following a 12-minute landing process.

The probe carried a six-wheeled moon rover called "Yutu," or "Jade Rabbit," the goddess' pet. After landing Saturday evening on a fairly flat, Earth-facing part of the moon, the rover was slated to separate from the Chang'e eight hours later and embark on a three-month scientific exploration.

China sent its first astronaut into space in 2003, becoming the third nation after Russia and the United States to achieve manned space travel independently. In 2006, it sent its first probe to the moon. China plans to open a space station around 2020 and send an astronaut to the moon after that.

Now, here's the 'rub' on this story.

Just two years ago, our 'experts' said that China didn't have the rockets, the fuel, the technical expertise nor the general technology to do what they did this week.  They, the 'experts', said it would be 5 to 7 years before they'd attempt a hard landing on the moon.  Which they'd HAVE to do to achieve a soft landing.

What the 'experts'  failed to consider I think, is that 99% of the know how for getting to the moon is declassified and available on the GD internet!  So they had no NEED to re-invent the wheel.  All they had to do was go interweb surfing for answers.

But if they did this 3 to 5 years early, WTH makes us think they'll wait another 7 years to 'attempt' putting men on the moon?  And when they go, what's to keep them from taking a 5 or 10 kilaton nuke with them, and setting that SOB up, before they announce that they are now Rulers of the Earth?

And how long before Obama sends them a GD "Way to Go" card for doing this?
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Schteveo

A National Disgrace

"A nation that treats it's welfare and illegal parasites (far better) than it treats it's warriors, is a nation unworthy of their sacrifice..." -- Spider

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2013/dec/9/troops-forced-to-rely-on-welfare-holiday-charity/

Famous Presidential Lies

LBJ:
We were attacked (in the Gulf of Tonkin)

Nixon:
I am not a crook

GHW Bush:
Read my lips - No new taxes

Clinton:
I did not have sex with that woman... Miss Lewinski

GW Bush:
Iraq has weapons of mass destruction


Obama:
I will have the most transparent administration in history.
The stimulus will fund shovel-ready jobs.
I am focused like a laser on creating jobs.
The IRS is not targeting anyone.
It was a spontaneous riot about a movie.
If I had a son.
I will put an end to the type of politics that "breeds division, conflict and cynicism".
You didn't build that!
I will restore trust in Government.
The Cambridge cops acted stupidly.
The public will have 5 days to look at every bill that lands on my desk
It's not my red line - it is the world's red line.
Whistle blowers will be protected in my administration.
We got back every dime we used to rescue the banks and auto companies, with interest.
I am not spying on American citizens.
ObamaCare will be good for America
You can keep your family doctor.
Premiums will be lowered by $2500.
If you like it, you can keep your current healthcare plan
It's just like shopping at Amazon
I knew nothing about "Fast and Furious" gunrunning to Mexican drug cartels
I knew nothing about IRS targeting conservative groups
I knew nothing about what happened in Benghazi
I have never my uncle from Kenya who is in the country illegally and that was arrested and told to leave the country over 20 years ago
And, I have never lived with that uncle. (He finally admitted today, [12-05-2013] that he DID know his uncle and that he DID live with him.))

And the biggest lie of all:
"I, Barrack Hussein Obama, pledge to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America."


Borrowed from the wild and patriotic minds at PIG...

Friday Funnies, On Tuesday

Jenny, a blonde girl, came skipping home from school today. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.
See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."