Tuesday, January 31, 2012


PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.


Anonymous said...

The Top Ten Most Ridiculous Lawsuits of 2011:

*Convict sues couple he kidnapped for not helping him evade police

*Man illegally brings gun into bar, gets injured in a fight, then sues bar for not searching him for a weapon

*Young adults sue mother for sending cards without gifts and playing favorites

*Woman disagrees with store over 80-cent refund, sues for $5 million

*Mom files suit against exclusive preschool over child's college prospects

*Man suing for age discrimination says judge in his case is too old

*Obese man sues burger joint over tight squeeze in booths

*Woman sues over movie trailer; says not enough driving in "Drive"

*Passenger's lawsuit says cruise ship went too fast and swayed from side to side

*Mother sues Chuck E. Cheese - says games encourage gambling in children

srk said...

Presidents' Day

I was eating lunch yesterday with my young daughter and while looking over the school calendar I told her she had off for President's Day.
She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.
... She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the
White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...

Anonymous said...

LOL! Smart kid!

Puxatawny Hussein said...

Where theres a marxist muslim, theres sure to be a baboon lurking about.

Jimmy Peanut said...