FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party;
I am happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We ll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.And don t be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone s pockets.This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we are calling it our Holiday Party. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?Happy Holidays to you and your family.
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees, DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay mens table, too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits asdessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?! ........Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*ckin Employees DATE: 8 November
RE: The F*ckin Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! We are going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it. You ll get your f*ckin salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I m hearing them scream right NOW!! Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die! The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party;
I am sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I ll continue to forward your cards to her.In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
19 comments:
That gets more true every year.
You know, I sent out cards from our office each Christmas with the message, Have a very Merry Christmas and a happy & prosperous new year." I asked all employees to refer anyone with a complaint to me. In ten years, not one, single solitary complaint about the message; and there I sat, locked, cocked and ready to rock.
Poor white, xtian, majority! So maligned, so mistreated! The nerve of those "other" people thinking they matter. How ever do you people cope with such affronts to your dignity? My heart simply bleeds for your and my heart aches for your suffering!
The reason no one said anything about the Christmas cards is because it's an issue largely manufactured by people on the right who can't stand sharing even a minute of attention with anyone else. It's a lot like the right wing's fantasy of being mistreated by the "liberal" media, a charge they've been bleating and whining about forever.
I send Christmas cards to my xtian friends but I'm sensitive enough to find cards that say Happy Holidays to send to my jewish friends. It's not a big deal. The pagans/atheists/druids will have to make do.
The biggest reason for the sensitivity is capitalism. The corporations are all freaked that they might piss someone off who will buy their useless doodads somewhere else. It's a tactic thought up by some MBA to increase sales by not alienating anyone.
"The corporations are all freaked that they might piss someone off who will buy their useless doodads somewhere else. It's a tactic thought up by some MBA to increase sales by not alienating anyone."
You simpleton. The reason American businesses are "sensitive" is that every time they express an honest emotion or opinion about "X", Liberals from groups "Y", "Z", Atheists and LGBT, et.al. take them to court to get their fair treatment, or to keep from getting their feelings hurt.
You want your feelings hurt ass munch?
Try living in the 21st century, with white skin, a penis, a belief in God, no college degree and a salary less than $50K. There are NO fucking laws to protect middle-class white males.
But you eliminate even one of those defining attributes and there's a law / support group to aid or promote that group.
That white skin and penis still give you an advantage. The belief in God doesn't affect you negatively.
The other two, the college degree and the salary are directly attributable to voting republican. See, the republicans created policies over the years to strip you of income and opportunity while loading up the wealthy with all the goodies they could carry. Many of you still haven't managed to figure that out and instead cling to your guns and you bibles and blame liberals, minorities, atheists and queers.
Maybe someday you'll wake up and realize who the real enemy is. Until then, enjoy the society you created by voting for that enemy.
Did smeone just fart?
To Liberals:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice , or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.
To My Normal Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
I'm still awaiting conversion, HLF, but only if I still get to cling to my guns.
You can cling all you'd like.
You don't rewuire much conversion socially. You're already there!
I think he's an embASSador from the re-education camps
More coprophilia from my biggest fan!
You're pretty obsessed with ass there buddy.
What next, my dear?
It's youor blog. You decide. I'm only here because for the second weekend in a row the weather has me snowbound.
Oh, and...
Socially, I believe in the doctrine of, "Live and let live." No state, organization or individual has the right to insert itself or himself into my beliefs, morals, bedroom or relationship with my doctor for private medical decisions. And, yes, that last part refers to abortion. I think that abortion is a horror. I have never had one and am way past the point of ever requiring one; but my husband and I arranged one for my 14-year old daughter who became pregnant as a result of a forcible rape. Maybe, as some of my friends say, abortion is murder and I shall one day be judged by the God of my understanding for the act in which I was complicit, but I don't have to explain or defend my decision to any state, organization or individual.
It's youor blog. You decide.
No, I mean what's next in the process of my conversion to liberalism.
abandon all of your beliefs as an indivual and giv yourself completely to the State
Sounds like Winston is a drama queen. Perhaps a little recreation is in order?
http://sockandawe.com/
You never read 1984?
QUOTABLE QUOTES
"Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe."
– Frank Zappa
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