Sainty Clause

It's that time of year when many are thinking about that jolly old guy in the red suit, famous for delivering gifts to children all over the world. He is a hero to many, but have you ever stopped to ask yourself – is Santa liberal or conservative?

Based on what we know of him revealed in song and tradition, I think it is safe to say that Santa is clearly conservative.

I know, I know – some of you conservatives may already have Santa pegged as a liberal – the only liberal, in fact, that some of you welcome into your home.

But hear me out. What do we really know of him?

Santa "knows when you are sleeping and knows when you're awake." Yes, sounds a little like liberal "Big Brother," but what is he actually doing? Like any constructive authority, Santa is evaluating our performance – to determine if we should receive compensation. He is making a list and checking
it twice, assessing if we have been naughty or nice – if nice, we will be rewarded with a present – if naughty, we get nothin'.

Santa bases his compensation on job performance. You see, Santa does not actually give gifts – he gives rewards. Technically, a "gift" is free – undeserved. Since Christmas "gifts" are merited by performance, they are not actually gifts at all, they are rewards. To be accurate, we really should call them Christmas
rewards.

As soon as we use accurate terminology, you see, it is obvious that Santa is a conservative who gives rewards to those who have earned compensation, and withholds them from those who are lazy or irresponsible.

If in fact, Santa were a liberal, Christmas would be quite different. Instead of coming down chimneys and leaving rewards for honorable children, Santa would take presents if he determined that the fireplace was used to actually burn wood, cut from innocent trees. If he discovered that the Christmas tree
was real and not an artificial one, he would skip the house altogether.

A liberal Santa would not give rewards according to naughty or nice behavior, but would give gifts based on politically correct standards of victimization. Those suffering from ADD would receive extra gifts and a year's supply of Ritalin; the parents of those suffering from ADHD would receive a year's supply of antidepressants; racial minorities would automatically receive twice as many gifts as others; those who had incurred diseases from their naughty behavior would receive prophylactic protection, so that they could continue their irresponsible lifestyle and avoid suffering the consequences of their actions; for the same reason, drug abusers would receive a year's supply of clean needles.

If Santa were liberal, the song would no longer warn us that we "better not cry, better not pout." Pouting and whining would be the primary means by which Santa identifies politically correct "victims" who feel they are entitled to the most gifts.

In an effort to spread around the wealth, a liberal Santa would take presents from those families who had bought their own gifts and refused his, and he would redistribute them to those who earned less than $250,000.

To bolster self-esteem, Santa would give a five-season DVD set of "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood," as well as a trophy to every child for just having a pulse.

To break sexual stereotypes, girls would be given blue toys and boys would receive pink ones. Those families that appeared homophobic would receive Bobby and Ken dolls. To increase racial sensitivity, all dolls would be a neutral tan color.

If Santa had a liberal worldview, toy guns would not exist. Instead, under the tree, children of NRA members would receive the book "How to Dialogue with Terrorists." Any guns found in the home Santa would confiscate.

But, thankfully, Santa is conservative.